my life.

--EDIT-- woah. first update in FOREVER. dont expect me to use this much, i only write if im pissed or depressed or overjoyed. dont read this if you dont want to know about me, if you dont really care, dont read it. and dont leave angry comments, because i dont need anyones shit right now, ok? ok. --END EDIT-- im sick of being the parent sick of being the only person in this God-forsaken house with a level head sick of having to be the voice of reason among all my high-strung family members who are only intent on what will suit them the best or have the best outcome for them sick of the selfishness of this family sick of, at 16, being treated like im 10 even though im forced to act like im 40 because everyone in my family acts like theyre 5 sick of life GOD I CANT WAIT TO GO AWAY TO COLLEGE im not even kidding. i cant wait to get away from this hellhole of fighting my mom screaming that she does everything my dad screaming that he does everything my mom screaming that she takes care of us and gave up her full-time job for us my dad screaming that he makes all the money and pays all the bills both of them screaming about how unappreciated they are and theres me, trying to get them to SHUT THE FUCK UP in a mature way me having to act like i have 3 more decades under my belt than i do.. in addition to 3 more than either of them me having to be the go-between like i have been since i was 8.. getting yelled at for everything, taking all the blame because i think if i do, it will help their nonexsistant relationship me having to try to explain what theyre doing to me and my brother and sister and why we're so fucked up me trying to get them to see what theyre doing to us, to themselves, this family as a whole but it doesnt matter. im the one who ends up crying. them my mom cries but it looks totally fake as if shes trying to get sympathy from me when she doesnt even fucking GIVE a shit when i cry or when im upset. and my dad keeps blowing up about nothing. and then my little brother, who is observing, starts laughing and calling us ridiculous, which is true seeing as its RIDICULOUS that im trying to save my family single-handedly which wont happen and my mother goes off again and the rules, the new ones that my mother thinks will keep us in line get instituted tomorrow no one is going to listen. and then the whole thing is going to repeat itself. i cant take this anymore. im sorry if it sounds selfish that im bitching about this im sorry if it sounds selfish that i think i should at some point in my life be allowed to be a kid but no matter what, i missed out on being a kid, im trying to make up for it these days by being reckless and doing what i want and what not but i cant. i turn 17 in 16 days, i start my senior year in a month and a half today i visited mary washington since it is close and i cant wait to go to college (not necessarily there, but i do love the campus) i have to face it, even though i had to grow up when i was around 8, my physical age is catching up with me and now, thanks to my parents, i have missed out on childhood sure, ive played in parks and gone to sleepovers, but i feel like ive missed so much i lost most of my friends this past year, and definitely have no one to call a best friend i cant call anyone to cry about my problems without feeling bad about it i have no one to turn to when the going gets tough i really have no lifeline, sure i have friends, even some really close ones! but there is no one that i can call my best friend i know its just a label.. but its good to have someone who you know is always there for you and i dont have my mother or sister to turn to either. i just feel so.. alone. im recessing to the state that i was in my sophomore year. where i secluded myself, became depressed, a cutter etc. i dont want to do that. i dont know what to do anymore. i just really really dont.